Why don’t we tell secrets on a farm? Because those nosy potatoes have eyes and that gossipy corn has ears!

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s so good, I can't put it down. Literally.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. Such an improvement!

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was out-standing in his field, unlike your ex.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. Look at me, I’m a visionary!

Heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, zero atmosphere. Kind of like your last date.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts. Also, drama-free.

Did you hear about the mathematician afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. Literally, nothing.

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems. So relatable.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet, just like your crush.

Why was the broom late? It swept in fashionably late, like a boss.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I’m still working on it. Rome wasn’t built in a day, darling.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. Not everything has to be complicated.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. Maybe it was a compliment?

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don’t work out. #Truth

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space. Don’t we all?

What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house? The living room. Duh.

Told my computer I needed a break, now it keeps sending me Kit Kats. Smart tech.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. Prepared, unlike your last vacation.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work. They’re making a statement.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison. That’s buffalo-speak for “goodbye.”

Why did the scarecrow become a neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field and had brains. Unlike some people.

How do you organize a space party? You planet. It’s out of this world!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite. Chilling, isn’t it?

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything. Fake news!

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together. Such craftsmanship.

Heard about the cheese factory that exploded? Nothing left but de-brie. What a mess.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired. Same, bike. Same.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough. Now I’m rolling in puns.

Why are ghosts bad at lying? Because they’re too transparent. Honest to a fault.

How does a train eat? It goes chew chew. Classic.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. Smooth operators.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left. They took the cool with them.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls. Duh.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing. Scandalous!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. But she nailed it.

How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern... He’s formal like that.

What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta. Totally bogus.

Why did the mushroom go to the party alone? Because he’s a fungi. And totally independent.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. Rawr-some!

How does the ocean say hello? It waves. It’s very polite.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. No nonsense.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged. The caffeine crime of the century.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a dog? Frostbite. Ice cold!

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forest1. Genius.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time. Fashion faux pas.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent. Prehistoric problems.

Why don’t crabs donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish. Me, me, me.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite. Cold-hearted.

How does a mermaid clean her fins? With tide. She’s keeping it fresh.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese. Hands off!

Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field! And had a brain, unlike your last date.

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems. Same here.

What do you call a factory that makes good products? A satisfactory. Nailed it.

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well. Poor thing.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain. Purrfection.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don’t work out. Harsh but true.

How do you organize a space party? You planet. It’s out of this world!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh. Keeping it simple.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field and had brains, unlike some people.

What do you call a factory that makes good products? A satisfactory. Quite satisfactory indeed.

Why don’t crabs donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish. Me, me, me.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together. Such craftsmanship.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts. Drama-free, finally.

Heard about the cheese factory that exploded? Nothing left but de-brie. What a mess.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls. Obviously.

What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta. Totally bogus.

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems. Relatable.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. Duh.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left. Took the cool with them.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. Prepared, unlike you.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing. Scandalous!

How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern... He’s formal like that.

How does the ocean say hello? It waves. Very polite.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent. Prehistoric problems.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired. Same, bike.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forest1. Genius.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. Rawr-some!

Why did the mushroom go to the party alone? Because he’s a fungi. Independent king.

Why was the broom late? It swept in fashionably late. Like a boss.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. Smooth operators.

I told my computer I needed a break, now it keeps sending me Kit Kats. Smart tech.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged. Caffeine crime.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain. Purrfection.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don’t work out. Harsh truth.

Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field and had brains. Unlike your last date.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese. Hands off!

Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well. Poor thing.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time. Fashion faux pas.

Why are ghosts bad at lying? Because they’re too transparent. Honest to a fault.

How does a train eat? It goes chew chew. Classic.

Why did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison. That’s buffalo-speak for “goodbye.”